Everyone Says ‘Stay Calm’—Here’s What That Actually Looks Like in Tough Conversations
We've all been there. That crucial moment when emotions start to bubble up, your heart rate quickens, and you can feel your face getting hot. Maybe it's feedback from your boss that feels unfair, or a colleague who's taken credit for your work, or even that person on the tram who refuses to move their bag from the seat.
And what's the advice we always hear?
"Just stay calm."
Right. Thanks for that. Incredibly helpful.
The problem isn't that staying calm is bad advice – it's excellent advice. The problem is that nobody tells you how to actually do it when your body is flooding with adrenaline and your brain is screaming "DANGER!"
When there’s so much going on but you still pause and stay calm.
The Calmest Person Always Wins
I learned this lesson the hard way on a Melbourne tram not long ago. I politely asked someone to move their bag so I could sit down. They seemed irritated but complied. Then they returned moments later to tell me off, saying they'd put the bag there so no one would sit beside them.
I wish I could tell you I handled it gracefully.
Instead, I felt my indignation rise. "Does your bag have a ticket?" I asked, voice rising. The entire tram went quiet, everyone watching our exchange. Another passenger even jumped in, telling this person to "walk away, walk away" – as if I was the problem!
By the time I got off at my stop, that corrosive feeling of shame had replaced my righteous anger. I hadn't stayed calm, and I definitely hadn't won.
Why Calm Matters
Being able to maintain your composure isn't just about avoiding embarrassment on public transport. It's a professional superpower.
When you stay calm:
You have more options
You maintain better control
You make smarter decisions
You experience fewer regrets afterward
Think about the last difficult conversation you handled well. I bet you were in control of your emotions. Now think about one that went off the rails – chances are your emotions were driving the bus.
So How Do You Actually Stay Calm?
Here's what I've learned through both research and painful personal experience:
1. Prepare for the physiological response
Your body will react before your mind can intervene. Know the signs – increased heart rate, shallow breathing, flushed face, tight muscles. Simply recognizing "I'm having a stress response" creates a tiny but crucial gap between stimulus and reaction.
2. Use tactical breathing
The quickest way to hack your nervous system is through your breath. Try box breathing: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which counters your fight-or-flight response.
3. Adopt a curious mindset
It's nearly impossible to be both curious and defensive simultaneously. When you feel yourself getting reactive, try asking yourself: "What's happening here that I don't understand?" or "What might be going on for this person?"
4. Have a physical cue
I've trained myself to take a deep breath and slightly relax my shoulders when tensions rise. This physical cue reminds my body and brain that I'm choosing to remain calm.
Practice Makes Progress
Like any skill, maintaining composure improves with practice. And you'll still mess up sometimes – I certainly do! The goal isn't perfect calm in every situation; it's recovering your equilibrium more quickly when you get knocked off balance.
The calmest person wins – and now you know how to be that person.
This stuff isn't easy – get in touch to go on the wait list for early bird specials for my next program.
What strategies do you use to stay calm in difficult conversations? I'd love to hear in the comments.
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