Call that feedback? It looks like judgement in disguise
Why do feedback conversations feel like walking through a minefield?
I've spent years teaching leaders how to have effective feedback conversations, and I've noticed a pattern: we make these conversations unnecessarily difficult because we confuse feedback with judgment – particularly value judgment.
They are not the same thing.
Judgment often hides in plain sight—disguised behind a smile, yet echoed in the slam of a gavel.
True feedback is simply information about what happened and its impact. Judgment is your evaluation of that information against some standard or value system.
The costly confusion
(Based on a real situation)
A more senior team member regularly rolls their eyes, sighs and/or crosses their arms when someone more junior jumps in, perhaps with an idea that's been heard before.
Judgment disguised as feedback: "You don't have respect for other people's opinions. You're rude."
Actual feedback: "When you roll your eyes/sigh/cross your arms when someone goes to speak, people feel discouraged and believe you are not interested in what they have to say."
One is accusatory; the second describes the effect of the behaviour - it does not label the first person as bad (although it still might be taken that way).
Why we default to judgment
We slip into judgment mode because:
Anger clouds our judgment
We forget that our interpretation is just that - our interpretation, and we may be wrong
We don't take responsibility for our own reactions - and blame the other person
It's evolutionary - being quick to judge saved us from sabertooth tigers in the past
But here's the irony: judgment-heavy feedback consistently produces worse outcomes. People get defensive, relationships suffer, and the actual behaviors rarely improve.
How to separate feedback from judgment
Next time you're preparing for a feedback conversation:
Start with observable facts – What specifically happened that a camera would capture?
Describe the impact – What measurable effect did this have?
Check your adjectives – Words like "unprofessional," "inappropriate," or "excellent" are usually judgment in disguise
Watch your tone – Even neutral words can become judgments depending on how you say them
The DEARCC framework I teach (Describe, Express the Effect, Ask for alignment, Reaffirm worth, co-Create change, outline Consequences) helps structure these conversations for maximum effectiveness.
DEARCC on Feedback
The power of ‘clean’ feedback
When you strip judgment from your feedback, remarkable things happen:
People actually hear what you're saying
Defensiveness decreases dramatically
Solutions emerge more collaboratively
The relationship strengthens rather than strains
I watched a leader transform her entire team's performance by making this one shift. Her secret? She became religiously committed to describing behaviors and impacts rather than judging people's character or worth.
Your turn
Think about a feedback conversation you need to have soon. Try writing down exactly what you plan to say, then highlight any words or phrases that contain judgment rather than observation. Can you rephrase them to focus solely on behaviors and impacts?
This stuff isn't easy – get in touch to go on the wait list for early bird specials for my next program.
How do you keep judgment out of your feedback conversations? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments.
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